I've been thinking for a long time about writing this blog post, but it wasn't until I read this quote, that I felt compelled to start writing...
Knowledge is learning something new every day. Wisdom is letting go of something every day. ~ Zen Proverb
Owning and running my own photography business gives me the opportunity to learn new things every day...
how to gain and keep new clients.
how to run quickbooks and file sales taxes.
how to manage my time.
how to constantly improve my shooting technique.
how to price my work so I can support my family.
how to best capture the beauty of the everyday, the wondrously imperfect world we live in.
how to balance running a business and spending time with my 3 kids.
the list goes on and on...
The letting go is harder for me.
These past few years have been a long and very difficult journey in letting go. You see, I'm going through a divorce.
And there are so many things I am working on letting go...
letting go of the life I had planned.
letting go of my attachment to the marriage, even though it was clearly over.
letting go of my anger.
letting go of my fear of the unknown.
letting go of the hurt.
letting go of the past, to make room for the future.
These past 5 years have been unquestionably the most difficult years of my life, and now it is time for me to start the next chapter. Two months ago, I moved out of our family home. The home where all 3 of our children were born. I found a new home across the river and am starting out fresh, on a new path. The kids and I are settling in, and finding our new normal.
I've rekindled friendships that had gone dormant for years while I turned inward, trying to remain strong for our kids while my marriage was crumbling. I've found new friends that have offered endless support, and for this, I am endlessly thankful. I've lost friends I thought I could trust, and have felt the pain and grief of losing their friendship and support. I've learned more about myself in the past few months than I could have ever imagined.
My husband and I had been together for almost 20 years. That's half of my life. My entire adult life. So while I'm going through a really difficult time adjusting, I have also been given the opportunity, the gift, really, to rediscover who I am. I'm an introvert, that I already knew. But I thought I would completely relish and indulge in the long weekends alone, when the kids are at their dad's house. Turns out, it's a whole cacophony of emotion. Relief. Loneliness. Anger. Quiet. Joy. Confusion. Hurt. Happiness. Introspection. Dejection. Worry. Peace. Hope. Often times changing from one minute to the next.
I'm rediscovering the things that give me comfort... Reading fiction. Eating ice cream. Spending time with friends. Writing. Walking around the lake. Listening to music. Baking cookies. Taking pictures. Slowing down...
The letting go part is hard. Really hard. But necessary. I'm still working on it, and will be for a long time. And in the meantime, I am taking comfort in the hope for the future, that this is the right decision for our family, and we can all move forward to better days.
I want to say thank you to all of my friends, family, and clients who have offered support to me in these past few months. Your love and care is appreciated beyond words. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned
so as to have the life that is waiting for us. --Joesph Campbell